I listened to my friend, but I don't know what to believe except for myself. I need to start believing myself & my feelings. Thing is, I don't know what the hell is happening now. I'm still just stuck , thinking.

Then today, I thought of it again, and I think there is something bothering me! It's, him. Well idk, I just feel so fustrated when I think of him sometimes. Not that I think of him that much, but yeah I do. And guess what? I hate it.

You've just gotta take control of your own life, and make sure that when you fall tell yourself its only a slip and then get back up.

Vampire Diaries ♥

You shouldn't have treated me so well, you shouldn't have told me your secrets, you shouldn't have tried to hug me or even kiss me when you did. I trusted you, I thought that maybe you'd have changed your mind a lil about me. But instead you went ahead and told me that we should stop talking so much and move on with each other's lives. But what's the use? I've already fallen for you, hard.

Do you know how hard it has been for me since you left me stranded here? Nope, I don't think so. But just so you know, I still like you. I have ALWAYS liked you.

No matter what happens , you'll somehow feel alone and insecure.

Even if you feel lonely, you still have no right to blame others what's happening to you. This is because, in the first place you should've came to us first and talked to us before saying or doing anything. And now, all this has happened. You've put me in a dangerous position of whether I wanna be your friend and face this kind of crap if you happen to be like this again.

I really don't know anything anymore. Because the last thing I want is another argument and heartbreak full of words from any of us. I don't care, I just care for my friends. And you were my friend, that's why I really care. But somehow you just don't see it, or maybe I'm just not showing enough. I don't know what I should do now. I haven't even replied your text yet.

God, Lord Father, please tell me what to do. I am at a lost for words and I really wanna reply her text. Amen.

Hey there! School's been great and I've been doing my homework as well! Hardworking eh? :P

Well , can't really blame me la cos this year I seriously gotta do some catching up with my work! wooots! So yeah anyways , just another short post , not even emo!

'Cause , I'm finally feeling better!

I'm only like, 16 going 17 soon, and I'm thinking about death. Damn wtc right? Exactly! And it's making me so darn miserable! Also, I feel so far away from all my friends. Why is it that I feel that way? Is it because I feel so, different from them? Or is it just cause I don't spend time with them or don't like what they like? Or maybe it's 'cause I'm just not special. Sigh. It's not fair. Why do I feel like that? I thought that I already have EVERYTHING that I need to keep me happy from last year onwards after everything changed 360 degrees?

Maybe I was wrong. I really need a reality check right now.

If only, just maybe, things would be better this year. Then maybe, everything could be alright? But, no, it had to be the opposite. I'm so lonely. I feel so empty. Why? When I already have everything? Friends and more friends. Why?

We're finally talking again, I like this feeling. But I can't lose all my independence if I happen to screw up. I came too long a way to get screwed up again. And so, I've finally decided to really really focus on me being independent no matter what happens.

I used to love him alot, deeply and madly. I thought we could last forever, but I guess I was wrong. But this year, we're thinking of getting back on track. He lied alot to me last year after we broke up, when he asked for this relationship again I got scared. Not because of him, but because of me. Idk whether I can make this choice as I do not trust myself at all!

But as funny as this will sound, I think somewhere deep in my heart, eventho I've moved on a long time ago, I still feel something for him. But it's just that I managed to control my feelings well enough and tell myself that everything is alright, everything is fine. People sometimes ask me about me and him, what was the story, I tell them. As I tell them, I pretend to feel hate and dislike for him, but when I get home and think about what I just said,, I regret. Alot. This is because, what I said to the people about him, about my feelings for him, some were fake. I don't want to hurt myself and them, so I just tell them what they want to hear.

I still remember when I can never spend a day without talking to him. We texted everyday, day and night without fail. He loved me so much, and so did I. But, due to my insecurities at that time, I cheated on him. I felt disgusted with myself. So so disgusted!

But as time passed, we finally broke off. He lied to me, I hurt him to get back at him. He did the same. We were hurting each other so badly. Every morning I used to be so scared of looking at my phone when there was a text. Because I knew that it'd be from him, and it'd be something bad. I hated that feeling every morning when I used to wake up with a strong feeling of hurt coming my way. But still I told myself, 'Megan, just get through the whole day and you'll be fine. you'll be just fine. If people laugh, you laugh. If people smile, you just smile along with them as well. Don't let them see the true side of you. Don't let them worry for you. Just smile eventho your heart is breaking and aching so badly.' I remember that I would tell myself that every morning before I go to school.

You can't cheat the past, neither can you runaway from reality. Whatever that's in front of you will always be the truth no matter what. I felt lonely last year, tears were always dripping down my cheeks. Every night I would think and think and THINK. I can never stop thinking last year. I lost myself, I lost my heart, I lost my soul, I was no longer that Megan where everybody sees and smile at. I'm not Megan anymore, I lost myself completely.

But now, everything changed! He told me that he honestly wants this relationship back, honestly, I want it back too. But it's hard to trust again after so many lies. But I'll try. I'll even keep my promise to him. I love him, I suddenly really love him again. I want to talk to him every night possible, I want to text him everyday whenever I'm bored. I want to see him frequently again. I just want him back. But, I'm also telling myself this, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Trust first.

I love you.

Enjoy!

Ciao :)

I think this is also the part where I'm supposed to get really hurt and feel disgusted with myself because of me believing all your lies and having to console you and pity you for NOTHING.

Well congratulations.

Shit you.

Crap you.

I hope you don't ever talk to me again. Thank you very much.