Monday, February 7, 2011
Please make my heart a better place.
So, what's gonna happen now then?
We're finally talking again, I like this feeling. But I can't lose all my independence if I happen to screw up. I came too long a way to get screwed up again. And so, I've finally decided to really really focus on me being independent no matter what happens.
I used to love him alot, deeply and madly. I thought we could last forever, but I guess I was wrong. But this year, we're thinking of getting back on track. He lied alot to me last year after we broke up, when he asked for this relationship again I got scared. Not because of him, but because of me. Idk whether I can make this choice as I do not trust myself at all!
But as funny as this will sound, I think somewhere deep in my heart, eventho I've moved on a long time ago, I still feel something for him. But it's just that I managed to control my feelings well enough and tell myself that everything is alright, everything is fine. People sometimes ask me about me and him, what was the story, I tell them. As I tell them, I pretend to feel hate and dislike for him, but when I get home and think about what I just said,, I regret. Alot. This is because, what I said to the people about him, about my feelings for him, some were fake. I don't want to hurt myself and them, so I just tell them what they want to hear.
I still remember when I can never spend a day without talking to him. We texted everyday, day and night without fail. He loved me so much, and so did I. But, due to my insecurities at that time, I cheated on him. I felt disgusted with myself. So so disgusted!
But as time passed, we finally broke off. He lied to me, I hurt him to get back at him. He did the same. We were hurting each other so badly. Every morning I used to be so scared of looking at my phone when there was a text. Because I knew that it'd be from him, and it'd be something bad. I hated that feeling every morning when I used to wake up with a strong feeling of hurt coming my way. But still I told myself, 'Megan, just get through the whole day and you'll be fine. you'll be just fine. If people laugh, you laugh. If people smile, you just smile along with them as well. Don't let them see the true side of you. Don't let them worry for you. Just smile eventho your heart is breaking and aching so badly.' I remember that I would tell myself that every morning before I go to school.
You can't cheat the past, neither can you runaway from reality. Whatever that's in front of you will always be the truth no matter what. I felt lonely last year, tears were always dripping down my cheeks. Every night I would think and think and THINK. I can never stop thinking last year. I lost myself, I lost my heart, I lost my soul, I was no longer that Megan where everybody sees and smile at. I'm not Megan anymore, I lost myself completely.
But now, everything changed! He told me that he honestly wants this relationship back, honestly, I want it back too. But it's hard to trust again after so many lies. But I'll try. I'll even keep my promise to him. I love him, I suddenly really love him again. I want to talk to him every night possible, I want to text him everyday whenever I'm bored. I want to see him frequently again. I just want him back. But, I'm also telling myself this, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Trust first.
I love you.