Sunday, May 2, 2010
This is just for you , and only you . ♥
I'm here tonight , to tell you a very longg story and also it is counted as an apology post as well .
To my dear baby boy Brandon Soong Hoong Hooi ,
Hi baby, I know you don't really like me calling you tht now but , I'll still call you tht cos you'll always be my baby no matter what happens.
I'm here tonight to tell you stuff i've never been able to tell you. Throughout our one year plus of relationship, i know tht i've never treated you the right way at all. there was once where i cheated on you and another where i told you honestly tht i let another guy kiss me. and trust me, i DO regret all of these tht i've done to you last year. but, thts not what i wanna talk about.
What i wanna say to you is tht , altho we're apart and idk whether we'll still have the chance to get back. I'll still love you, stay loyal to you and will still keep my promises tht i've made to you.
Baby, do you still rmb how we first met and when you first popped up the question for me to be your girlf ?
I do. I truly do. you were the sweetest i've ever met. you were so shy tht you created another character so tht i'll be with you. cos you thought tht i was the kind of girl who would only accept high class guys, according to you. but according to me, idc whether the guy is rich or not , or whether his handsome or not , or whatever else shit laa. i only care about the heart, whether the guy truly loves me. and you managed to proof to me how you really loved me and you treated me and loved me for who i am. for tht , i thank you. and i also apologise for being so terrible against you and tht i wasnt tht good enough a girlf.
Tho you said tht I was good enough for you, i still try my very best to be better than you want me to be. i try my very best to let you feel loved. and talking about this, i still rmb the time where you lied to me about your sister's story. i got so so so mad at you , but in the end i still forgave you cos you had a very good reason to lie to me about her and your story. you explained to me tht, i wasn't giving you enough attention and tht you felt neglected. after you told me tht, i felt bad, guilty. :( i felt like, why didn't i noticed this earlier ? then he wouldn't have to lie and i wouldn't have to get mad at him and wanting to breakup with him. WHY ? and so, from then on, i've decided to treat you like my only one, NOT number one. i tried every possible way to let you feel loved by me. EVERY WAY, i tried. and, well, can i say tht it worked ?
Months and months passed by, our relationship got stronger and stronger. then, you also introduced to me commitment. you asked me a few times before whether i wanna be commited to you. and you were commited to me first. :) i felt scared when you asked me tht, cos i didn't believe in forevers after my last ex form5 boyf. but you said tht you would proof to me tht you wouldn't be like him, you said to give a chance. try again to believe in forevers with you. and later on, some weeks later, i decided to be commited to you and let nothing get in our way. :D
Later on, we celebrated our 11th month anniversary in genting :) rmb tht dont you ? it was the best celebration of my life, altho you missed the fireworks with me, idc, whatever it is, i managed to have the chance to spend the whole entire night with you at the hotel floor rmb ? ;) i was so happy tht night tht i just wanted time to stop there. i loved you so much. you were hugging me to sleep, you were kissing me secretly on my forehead or nose or wherever else tht you kissed. you thought i didn't know when i actually knew :) i wanted you to continue to do tht to me, and you did. you took care of me, you made sure tht nth or no sound would wake me up. you loved me, i loved you. back then, we were so very much in love , i miss all tht. the next morning, we went for breakfast and my cousins joined, then later on, we went to the outdorr themepark cos of my cousin. -.- he was so annoying and i had to take care of him, so i had no choice :/ you got along so well with my cousins. i could see tht you were enjoying every moment of your life with them, and i was enjoying MY every single moment with YOU. (L) after tht, we had to go back, and immediately, i started to text you cos i missed you so very much. i couldn't stand a day without you :)
Chinese new year comes this year, and i was able to celebrate it with you. :D i still rmb tht incident tht happened at the staircase, you were so disappointed and regretful of what you've done, to me and yourself. you wanted me to slap you or hit you, but i couldn't. i just couldn't lay my hand on you to hit you. but i did lay my hand you eventually, to stroke your face and calm you down. i wanna show you tht it wasn't all your fault and tht i had fault too. yes, until now i might still have the trauma from tht very day, but idc, cos i knew tht i had you. so i wasn't afraid one bit. later on, after we're all calmed down, you went and sat few stairs above me, i went there and immediately sat on you after i heard you let out a big sigh. i lay my head on your tummy ! :) and tht made you laugh and SMILE. i was happy to see you smile, and you said tht, after i did tht, he knew and was asure tht i could make you happy and smile no matter what happened. i felt blessed, to have you as a part of me. :) i couldn't ask for more than all of this. later on, i managed to bring you to my church, CHC ! :D cos, both of us felt like crap after what happened at SP, so you also accepted to go to my church tht evening. i couldn't have felt more blessed than ever by God ;) i praise God tht you were able to come tht evening. you enjoyed it, the look in your eyes says tht you enjoyed it :) then later on, you met my cell group ! my spiritual family (L) once again, tht was how much i enjoyed my time with you :D
Later on, things started to fall apart already. everything was a mess. arguments after arguments. non stop, breakups after breakups. and also, like sunday afternoon, while texting you after we broke up, we argued again, and i said smth really horrible this time. i couldn't forgive myself for saying what i didnt wanna say but said. i felt like such an asshole. but, now, i can't do anything anymore but to wait for you to read this post i've written especially for you. i know tht, it might not be much, but, it's from my heart. like you said before, anything given by heart is more important. :)
Baby, this is how much i love you and this is how much i can proof to you. the rest is gonna be up to you. whether will you forgive me for being sucha horrible girlf and ex girlf tht you still love. it touched my heart just by typing this out, and i hope tht it will touch yours as well, and help you clear your mind once again.
Baby, I love you so so so much. I'ma stay tht way until you say smth to me. smth like you rethinking about restarting this whole thing. and love me again openly like how you did a year ago. I miss you. I love you. I need you. G'night.